Idyllic Thoughts

Sometimes I think to myself, what else is left to write? All lines have been written, all paths walked upon, all emotions felt, all truths discovered. What can you think that hasn't yet been thought of? And then people surprise me. They show me that there are still unexplored paths, unwritten emotions, hidden truths.  

Appa was always in a hurry. He lived his life in 2x mode. I felt he was like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, scurrying here and there forever. He never stayed anywhere for long. Always on the move, and we moved with him. He was the first one to arrive at any wedding, even before the bride's family, waking up the wedding hall staff. He was the first one to leave.  He left this world too in a hurry. Never imagined, I guess just like any other child, that my parent too will leave us so soon. Guess a parent's death is always too soon for a child, it doesn't matter what their age is. For us, they are supposed to be there forever.  Yesterday was his first death anniversary and I still feel he will come back someday, call me out of the blue. This grief is eternal.  

All my childhood, I loved being alone. My solitude made me think, about anything and everything under the sun. It made me happy and contented. I was never bored being by myself.  Now, that same solitude makes me restless and sad. It brings back all the memories of my dad and in each such memory, I find something to be guilty about.  I can no longer sit for hours thinking about nothing, and enjoy it. I need to be surrounded by people, so that I can push away the memories and the pain they bring with them.  I can no longer write because I can no longer think.